I'm Alive.

Yours works are beautiful, Jesus. I am beginning to melt; I can physically feel and notice my heart morphing into something so raw and sensitive, but so passionate, strong, and most importantly...beating. I am alive. My hearts wishes are communicating with my organs and giving them blood to nourish them. They feed on a substance that replenishes itself and has everything I need. But how? It is because of your divinity and Spirit that has been imprinted into the very deepest parts of my inmost fibers. You are the very thing that makes my heart erupt with life! You allow my limbs to move. I can see. I can hear. I can observe the color scheme, the constellations, planetary movement, and shifting shadows. I can formulate words. My brain was created to shift commands so quickly that it knows what to do before I can even think it first. It knows what I need. Your sheer sovereignty is an incomprehensible concept. The complexity of my human form is a clear indication that you are a creative God, a God of the rarest of beauty and color, a God of mystery, a God of supreme and active imagination. You invested the time to make each creature of your hands with such intricacy and precision, and that is why I and everyone else is beautiful. That is why it is so easy to love you. You loved me enough to allow my existence. It is you breathing light into everything you touch. I see you moving in nature - everything is so much more gorgeous when one understands the origins of these creations and Who did it. Fish, bugs, birds, trees, streams, rocks, valleys, fog, sunshine, dirt, crops, fields, rivers, sunsets, clouds, oceanic creatures, volcanoes, canyons, barrier reefs...all of these things magnify their creator. They know Him. You, by a simple beam of light, imprint yourself all around me. You bloom. It is not only nature that dances to your symphonies. I see your glory radiate out of the individuals around me. The genuine compassion, humility, care, hospitality, faithfulness, loyalty, laughter, cheer, joy, support and family-like feel of the people you have specifically placed in my life. They, too, and a moonshine of your beauty in the dark night of my mind; let it grow. Most of all, I can see you ever more clear through my new prospective lens that my internal telescope is peering through. A thankful heart is a abundant and cheerful one. The more I appreciate who you are, what you've done thus far in my life, what I know you are going to do, how you've saved me, how you've preserved my life, and dominantly: how much you love me has revolutionized my cynical mind into a freed one. I do not seek dark because you are all I see. You are changing my black, weary, and brittle heart that has been so severely deformed and transformed (and still are) it into a beating, moving, hopeful, and peaceful one. Nothing that I have done. All that you have done. Amen.

My head tells my heart.

Wow, friends, what can I say? Summer time thus far has been a curiously strange concoction of relaxation, complete chaos, travel, joy, peace, stress, friends, family, heartache, and the list continues. A great, big, ironic paradox, really. A lurking theme that I can see is growing rather quickly to become the anthem of my summer is patience. Complete patience on the Lord's timing and faithfulness with everything. No matter how many times I am tested in this area, I've found I will never master patience in it's entirety. I can see this to be coming truer and truer in every aspect of my life (the expected and unexpected) in these past few months. Simple concept, near impossible task. Here is a brief synapsis of what Jesus has been doing to my heart this summer!

For those of you who didn't know by the billion pictures posted...I got the beautiful privilege of helping lead a group of students from my old high school ministry to Orange Walk, Belize on their mission trip!     The trip was full of challenges. Our schedule usually consisted of the following: in the mornings, my team (approximately 27 of us altogether) split up into mini teams and assisted very poor families from the church we partnered with, which included re-building parts of rotten houses, building new showers, building part of the church itself (as it was just a frame of bricks), and the like. We would have a quick lunch (which usually had a Habanero pepper challenge in it, where some of our team members would eat part or all of the peppers, and try to last the longest without water...TERRIBLE IDEA), and then return to the school we stayed at. The school was called Pal Mar School, and the children that attended were an absolute joy to work with. We ran a Vacation Bible School of sorts with all the children, the guys playing sports like soccer and basketball, and periodically sharing Jesus with the kids through testimonies, and the girls played and did crafts with the kids, while also sharing the good news of Jesus.  One of the days, I would argue nothing less than a tropical rainstorm came upon us (as we were staying basically in the jungle of central america), and we were having too much fun playing in the rain. However, it became a danger to be outside, so we all ushered the students back into their classrooms. I got to spontaneous opportunity to teach a hip hop dance class to some of the students who heard I was a dancer, which was so much fun! Overall, the children's joy and seeing their sweet, sweet faces light up when they saw us was one of my favorite things. Lord, I pray that you restore that joy that my heart is thirsty for! We also did a ton of street visits, which basically involved a group of us walking up to random people we saw, talking to them, getting to know them, talking about Christ with them, and praying for them. Seeing how thankful people were to even know we care about them really penetrated my heart. It is so sweet to see people with such gratitude for one another.

 As a whole, the trip was very humbling. Seeing a group of high schoolers love each other so deeply is not only extremely rare, but it is extremely encouraging. I wish that to transfer throughout all the areas of my life where I am involved in community, and work truly on loving everyone deeply, even those I deem "unlovable." Of course, seeing how little people survive with, and yet how generous they are made me really, really observe how I steward my finances. I do not need new clothes, new shoes, new anything. I have so much and need to use my money to help hurting people wherever I am. Using it for my own selfish needs gets me absolutely no where. But most of all, I am thankful for the beauty that I was exposed to. Not only was I brought to tears at how freaking beautiful these children were and how they loved Jesus so effortlessly, but simply the country itself and the Belizean people! Their humble, simple lifestyles were some of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. One experience that stuck my heart clearly: I was standing out on the ocean on the last morning (about 6 AM), waiting for our water taxi to come and fetch us to ferry us back to the airport, where we would trek home. It was cloudy, overcast, windy, and eerily quiet. I could see no one or nothing as far as I could see out on the water. I was standing out on the pier praying for my day, and I remember saying something to the effect of: "Thank you for showing me such beauty that I have never experienced before, Father." Right as I spoke those words, the clouds to the upper left of my head parted, and a beam of sunlight came blazing down and rested right at my feet on the very tip of this deck, illuminating the crystal clear water beneath my feet. I smiled and new my Heavenly Father was with me.

As my summer has gone along, one thing that I keep wrestling with in my mind is letting the Gospel penetrate my heart like it ought. I have found that logistically, I understand the Gospel. I can tell anyone why Christ died for us, and all the details that follow. However much my brain understands, I don't think my heart does. I think if I let what Jesus did penetrate my heart like it should, I would be overflowing with joy (or a lot more than I have been). Instead of meditating on the fact that I do not deserve His love, grace, and what have you, I must force myself to be grateful and thankful. This is not an easy task for me, but I've found that thankfulness blasts apart any and every selfish ambition that may lurk in the contents of my heart and mind.

Although I heave endless amounts of corruption into my lungs on the daily, the one and only thing that pushes me forward is the mercy that has been showered on me. I am a wicked and wretched creature, but I am forgiven, I need only ask. Thank you, Father, for giving me daily what I do not deserve. You give me the purest life that will ever exist. " For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him." -Psalm 103:11-13.

My Father makes my heart beat faster than I ever could.

ENGLAND.

For those of you that haven't put the puzzle together from the Facebook posts or pictures, I've spent the past three-ish weeks in the beautiful country of England. I have a very dear Aunt and Uncle that live just thirty minutes north of London, and I (along with a couple dear friends of mine) decided to trek over here for a while to explore...and explore, we have! Although we have been all over kingdom come, visiting London countless times, Cambridge, Oxford, Amptill, Ashwell, and many, many other villages...there is one thing that strands out in particular.

I have had one of the greatest experiences of my life spending a good amount of time in Europe these past weeks. It has solidified and made one thing very, very clear to me: I do not live simply enough. I do not take time out of my days to just sit there, be quiet, no music, no people, no noise, and just think. Clear my mind. I don't do it! The English (so I've noticed) have this very calm demeanor about them; I see tons all over the place just sitting alone or taking a stroll through the park, having a cappuccino, walking their dogs on a quiet alley way, reading a book, or just sitting on a bench, watching the water of the Thames roll by. These people have either got a magic trick up their sleeves, or they have captured the art of living simply (or more simple than Americans). I would argue it is the latter. I've tried this peculiar technique throughout my days, and I have found it to be incredibly releasing and peaceful. My mind is able to rest, pray, and think about my heart without the distractions of anything else. I realize this is no revolutionary concept, but it is something that I think the vast majority of people would do well to practice. To master the state of tranquility is a beautiful and rare jewel.

From my time alone on my trip, I have found and rediscovered new and old ways about WHY I love God. It is an easy answer to extract things that one knows to be true about God from the people that surround you, but it is such a special and intimate thing to know why you love Him because of how He makes YOU PERSONALLY feel. I feel Him in the trees, as they creak and sway through the sweet wind. I feel Him when I take walks through the countryside, looking at the sun slowly disappearing behind the tree line. I feel Him when I sit and listen to the birds. I feel Him when I find a secret garden in the woods, and sit, feeling the dirt and flowers surrounding me. I feel Him stir in my heart when I see how His love makes me want to love others, not just the "lovable" people in my life. I feel Him in sweet silence. I feel Him when I watch nature go by. I feel Him when I spend simple time alone with Him.

I will miss this beautiful country, but am very interested/excited how I transfer what this country has had to offer me back home to Phoenix. Thankfully, I will be studying abroad in London in a little over six months. Until then, England. Au Revoir.

A Dose of Free Writing

I try patience on in my closet corner at dawn
I wear it well often
I look real good
But not today

My heart longs
It needs
It wants
It drives
It wishes
It hurts
It shakes violently
It prevents sleep
It prevents peace
It prevents joy

No
Am I patiently waiting?
Hell no
I am clearly not grasping
what it means to wait for Your watch to tick
I'm picking my brain apart
Trying to fix what notch stopped working
Clawing at my head
Trying to solve these prisons in my psyche

I know what I want
What my crawling flesh wants
But my Father prevails
He will rule over any desire I have because I wish it to be so 

Take my feet, let me fly
Take my eyes, I won't cry
Take my lips, I'll speak kindness
You say of all Your treasures, I am the finest?
How can this be, when I am so dull?
This glass I bear feels too full
Full of things that weigh my heart down
Feeling like I am about to drown

But YOU, You make me shine
You make me glisten
I am radiating
I am emitting light
Your Light
Scrape all of my impurities and make me beautiful
I want every piece of You
All of You
Forever You
Always You

Romance my heart, Father
Make my dead heart explode
This anxiety does not come from above,
but from my lack of trust in you.
Clearly, if I had no doubts in your abilities,
I would not be full of all this anxiety.
You make all things work together for YOUR good.
Let your will be done, always.
Always.

Let me drip with peace
Down my spine
Weave my ribs with it
Coat my heart with it
Plaster my brain with it
Fix my crooked hips, and lead me on your path
Your path to Light
Your path to Life
Small is my gain without you


YOU ARE MINE

Bones So Beautiful

I am continuously, absolutely, completely and genuinely dumbfounded at how beautiful His creations are. A caterpillar. A brisk morning walk. A dawn so fogged by clouds. Silence. Candlelight. A baby's laugh. A soft kiss. A gentle breeze. The whisper of the trees in a forest silent. A supernova. Birth. The strings plucked ever so slightly on a violin. Yellow. Stars winking. Streams rushing to an unknown destination. The soft tapping of raindrops. The sweet aroma of flowers. The chirping of a bluejay. Creativity. Imagination. Innocence. God's children. True friendship. Sincerity. Kindness. TRUTH. Deep and fruitful conversations. Child-like faith. Encouragement. Forgiveness. The sea side, watching the excited waves compete to the shore-line. Knowledge. Brains. Mountains. Being so joyful that your heart physically aches. Travel. Exotic food. A good book. A strong cup of tea in the morning. Tears. Movement. Meditation. Reflection. Laughter. Rejoicing. Godly love. Seeing His people magnify Him.

When I take a hard, deep look at all these things...it makes my heart ache for the sickening, warped and tainted view on what the world tells us is beautiful, especially to my fellow ladies. Don't you know what a jewel you are, child? Don't you know how precious you are? My heart breaks for you. I want you to know how beautiful you are. Truly. And it has literally nothing to do with your outer appearance.

Your beauty is found at the very core of your soul, the very core of your body. It is what pumps the thick blood through your veins. It is your heart. It is your heart that draws people in. Your outer appearance is the furthest thing from what you should be concerned about. The most beautiful people I know are those who care nothing about the interest of themselves, but humbly puts others before. The most beautiful women are those who are kind, smart, gentle, humble, generous, strong, brave, intellectual, truthful, and most importantly God-fearing. They are those who are willing to become less, in order to make Him greater.

I am sickened. I have had my fill of being around superficial people whose view of beauty is so ironically hideous. Ladies, take heart. You are GORGEOUS. You are finer than any gem in the world. Any sunset painted across the heavens. Any flower that blooms so perfectly in the springtime. Any oceanside that is so peaceful. You are the King's daughter...and he will never stop fighting for that heart of yours.

Take my feet and let them be, swift and beautiful for Thee.

Your beauty does not come from the adornment of your features, but the gentle and quiet spirit, of which your Father knows and adores so much more.

My Dead Heart Beats

WHOA. NEW POST. 

It's been awhile, and a lot of really great things have been hitting my life (fortunately and sometimes not so fortunately) full force. However, I am so inexplicably grateful. My Father's plan prevails, always. 

My friends: if there is one thing I would like to tell you all about what has been going on these past couple months, it is this: ENLIGHTENMENT! The Lord has revealed himself to me in ways that I cannot put on paper (or rather, electronic paper in this case)! I am so thankful for pain! You may be saying, "Well, Molly is either really stupid or strangely attracted to getting hurt." No. No, when you experience suffering for the sake of the Lord and your path to righteousness, you are showed the Lord's heart. His plan. His PERFECT PERFECT, FREAKING PERFECT PLAN. You realize just how inadequate your own blueprint is, and how amazingly His is for you. 

Do NOT be afraid to ask the Lord to break you. He will answer. Oh, will he answer. But he will make your heart alive. Truly alive. Do not be stagnant in your faith. Do not be comfortable. Do not be afraid to jump off a cliff and dive, REALLY dive, into your relations with your Creator. Let me be a testimony to this revelation revealed to me: you will experience true joy in your life if you rejoice in your sufferings, because joy is NOT dependent on your current circumstances in your life. It is determined by your heart's condition, and whether it is willing to go to the ends of the universe and beyond to know Jesus. Ask yourself: how far am I willing to go to know Him? Am I willing to pray to be broken for the sake of the Gospel? I challenge you to take this road. The road to righteousness is hardly and easy one, friends. But it is the most rewarding, beautiful thing I have ever experienced. I can feel Him all around me. He thickens my breath. He is in my thoughts. He awakened my dead heart to beat once again. 

My heart has been quieted. It is in the most peaceful, tranquil, beautiful place it has ever been in. I am a daughter of the King. His treasured possession. I urge you, friends. KNOW him. Don't simply make Jesus a secondary element to your busy lives. Make him your primary source of fulfillment, because I can assure you, all else will fail you. 

"Take my feet and let them be,

Swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice and let me sing,

Always, only, for my King."

All my love. 

Jagged Pieces for a Whole Puzzle

Why. Why is this happening. WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY.

I am honest. I am truthful. I cut to the point quite often. I don't dance around the answer. 

I have this clear cut mentality I think more often than I should. When I think of what I deserve...what DO I deserve? Nothing. Jesus died for me. Did I do anything to deserve this? No. Am I still a sinner? Yes. So, if I continue to do things that hurt my Father, why would he give me grace? Why would He choose to rescue me when all I do is continually abuse that grace He gives me? 

Wait, stop dear child. WHY ARE YOU QUESTIONING WHY GOD DOES THE THINGS HE DOES.

I question things too often, that I begin to forget why He loves me. 

Do you not know just how powerful He is? Is it really necessary for you to know why God works in the ways He does, or His reasoning for his actions? Of course not. Isaiah 55 says His ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts. He is such a mysterious creature. This is the beauty of the Lord, yes? We don't need to know why He does the things He does. We don't need to forecast our future. The future is as misty a fog as will ever be, and it will remain that way. We have today. We don't have tomorrow yet. Utilize that to your advantage. 

These past couple weeks have been embedded with unexpected blessing. Pain brings out the best, but only if you let it. Don't resist pain. You have no clue what can come about in your life if you let go. Through all kinds of strife that have been hitting me like a ton of bricks, I continually see Jesus. He uses broken people FAR more than He uses ones that have it all together, and has been quite literally THROWING opportunities at me to be His hands and feet to others. 

We are trees. This leads me back to the initial question: "Why?" Because we must be pruned and refined. Think about your favorite garden plant, tree, etc. How does it grow if there is ugly, dead, lifeless limbs attached to it? How do you get a plant healthy again? You break these pieces off. This is a painful process, but completely necessary in a life of a Christ follower. But there is reward. We will sparkle far more than gold. We will be filled with the most inexplicable joy. YOU MUST LET THE SAVIOR IN. 

I will bear my cross so long as I live. 

"I will lie burning; on Thy potter's wheel 

I will whirl patient, though my brain should reel.

Thy grace shall be enough the grief to quell,

And growing strength perfect through weakness dire." -- George MacDonald; "Diary of an Old Soul."